She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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