I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
