Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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