The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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