So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
