You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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