I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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