When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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