Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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