Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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