Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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