meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
