There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
