if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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