it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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