Swine flu. Run for my life!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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