i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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