i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
