Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
