Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
