You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize