Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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