why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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