I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize