First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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