I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
