i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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