It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
