I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
