He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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