this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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