He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
