You just made me feel so damn special
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
