Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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