He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
