he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
