apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
