I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
