i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
