Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
MIDGETS
????
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Panties = found
Randomize
