apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
