i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
