We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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