all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
