haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
