Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
