So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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