It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
