I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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