so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
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