Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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