I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
