I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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