By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
