just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
