can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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