True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You pole danced in your parka.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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