Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
