the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
