Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
