god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you had me at cake vodka
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
