Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
